The Porcupine Effect And Divorce
A friend and colleague described a phenomenon that contributes to the end of a relationship and ongoing conflict during and after the legal process: the Porcupine Effect.
One party has his/her spines up over something, and the other party reaches out in good faith and gets poked. As a result, now his/her spines go up. The reactive poking continues until communication breaks down entirely. How do you decide whether the issue needs to be handled by attorneys and courts or whether it needs to be addressed by simply taking a different approach? Much money can be unnecessarily spent on attorneys and courts when lesser interventions could solve the problem.
You can’t change how your x-partner chooses to interact, but you can choose how you respond. Here are some tips to relax the spines and communicate effectively:
- Try using divorce apps with tone meters.
- Listen to the message of what the other person is requesting and ignore “rhetoric” or “jabs.”
- Don’t feel the need to defend yourself.
- If your response is more than three lines or starts with a fun phrase like “first of all,” resist the urge to hit send and revisit the topic when you have more distance from it.
- Their “emergency or urgency” does not have to become yours.
- Don’t read non-urgent communication when it is received; save them to respond to at a dedicated time. For example, if you receive eight texts and emails that are not time-sensitive, respond in one email each Friday.
- If a message triggers you, train yourself not to shoot off a response at the moment but to wait and let cooler minds prevail.
- Treat each exchange as a new interaction and don’t bring history into it.
- Take care of yourself.
When we are balanced and rested, we are much more likely to take the necessary step back and respond kindly.
Categories
Abuse
Custody
Divorce
Domestic Violance
Family Law
Orders Of Protection
