Divorcing a narcissist can be one of the healthier decisions you’ll make in life. Narcissistic personality disorder is a real condition that leads people to believe they are more important than others. Fantasies of power, success, and limitless self-importance are common and those suffering from this disorder will often manipulate, lie and deceive others to get what they want.
One of the most pernicious outcomes of living with a narcissist is narcissistic abuse syndrome. This is a condition that occurs in the narcissist’s victim(s) resulting in:
- Guilt, depression, and irritability;
- Nightmares and insomnia;
- Feeling detached, alone, and isolated;
- Panic attacks;
- Thoughts of self-harm;
- Difficulty making decisions, etc.
The Decision
Once you decide to separate from a narcissist, there are a handful of advisable initial steps.
1. Remove everything of value (including children’s passports, birth certificates, etc) from the home.
- Narcissists will attempt to keep the things you leave so be sure not to place yourself in a situation where you need to ask permission for something.
2. Open a bank account.
- Financial independence is the goal, so once you’ve removed items of value (cash included), open a bank account and start preparing yourself financially.
3. Remain in the home.
- If you need to flee your home (point #1), then do not overthink the process. However, if you can remain in your home, this is ideal, especially if children are involved.
4. Note the Separation Date
- The date is critical as it might impact when you can file a divorce application. This is also true for spousal maintenance and property settlement.
Spousal Support
Narcissists are not known for their amicable demeanors. If you are seeking spousal support you will need to formally apply through the court. If the narcissist has financially cut you and/or your children off, you are likely entitled to spousal support to meet ongoing expenses and in many circumstances those of your children.
Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is not easy with a narcissist, but definitely manageable.
1. Minimize Contact
Your mental health is critical in this stage, especially if your children are living with you. Keep the narcissist at a healthy distance, minimize contact, and try and avoid conflict.
2. Assert your Boundaries
Narcissists are great at overstepping boundaries so you must define your boundaries as clearly as possible. In the case of an emergency, you may choose a third party the narcissist can contact so you can remain in a healthy space with as limited contact as possible. Firm boundaries represent your first step in regaining some control.
3. Parallel Parent
You are “co-parenting” your children, but in reality, the other tact you can take when dealing with a true narcissist is to parallel parent. Narcissists make it difficult to co-parent because co-parenting requires communication and agreement on certain things. Parallel parenting, by contrast, puts the focus squarely on each parent where the healthy parent can live by example for their children. Teach and be a role model in the most constructive manner possible.
