Leaving an abusive or controlling partner is often only the start of the story. Post-separation abuse behaviors are unfortunately quite common. When an abuser finds himself losing control of his partner, he will often turn to utilizing finances and children to continue to punish the other party. There are eight principal categories post-separation abuse that are important to understand in order to communicate the pattern to the court.
Counter Parenting
This is one of the most emotional of the eight categories. The abuser imposes contrary values, discipline, rules, and expectations for the children with the intention of punishing the other parent.
Financial Abuse
One of the principal drivers behind most separations is financial issues. Disagreement over finances can ruin a marriage so it is not surprising that unhealthy parents use financial disagreements to create chaos. This can lead to restricting access to bank accounts and related financial resources.
Legal Abuse
This is an area that is not always entirely clear, yet nefarious at its root. Some unhealthy parents can put on a “mask” in the courtroom, thereby fooling judges, therapists, custody evaluators, and family court professionals. The abuser manipulates the court system with repeated filings to extend his reach to the other parent.
Harassment and Stalking
Like legal abuse, if done carefully, an unhealthy parent can harass and stalk a healthy parent without the authorities being aware. It is not against the law to watch someone, so without a restraining order simply following and watching someone can be achieved. Social media, text, and email are all mechanisms for the abuser to stalk and harass the victim. Additionally, the abuser may place tracking devices on the children’s belongings or use the children as a mechanism to follow the other parent’s movements.
Isolation
This category refers to the unhealthy parent’s aim of isolating the healthy parent. To do this they go after destroying the healthy parents’ relationships with their family, friends, place of employment, or the school of their children. It is not uncommon for the abuser to make allegations about the other parent’s support system in order to further destabilize them.
Domestic Violence by Proxy
Unhealthy parents will use their children, family, friends, or the court to punish the healthy parent. The fight is not direct, it is by proxy with loved ones being manipulated and weaponized by the unhealthy parent.
Discarding
Discarding refers to what an unhealthy parent does with the children once they are provided court-appointed custody time. This is a common tactic to upset the healthy parent where the unhealthy parent receives the child only to discard them when they are in his or her custody.
Neglectful or Abusive Parenting
Lastly, neglectful, or abusive parenting. This is particularly stressful for healthy parents as the motivation behind neglectful or abusive parenting is to cause concern and fear from the healthy parent regarding the safety of their children.
It is critical to have a legal team who understands these dynamics to ensure the court understands the behaviors and to draft custody agreements that reduce the abuser’s ability to destabilize you and your children.
