Ending a Relationship - What Emotions Can You Expect?
Ending a relationship is tough. No matter how “ready” you are, there are stages many go through that are useful for understanding how you are likely to feel. These are also useful in recognizing that you are certainly not alone.
Disillusionment
Pre-divorce, one party typically becomes disillusioned with the other. This can occur years before the divorce or even before the divorce is spoken or discussed. Disillusionment consists of vague feelings of discontentment, greater distance, the consideration of the pros and cons of divorce, strategies for separation, and general states of anxiety, love, guilt, depression, and grief.
Dissatisfaction
Once dissatisfaction is verbally expressed, most couples have 8 to 12 months before the legal separation process begins. Dissatisfaction is all the disillusioned feelings expressed (verbally or, in the worst of cases, physically). This is a stage where marital counseling, a possible honeymoon phase (to give the relationship one last shot), as well as a host of feelings, take shape – tension, anguish, emotional roller coasters, etc.
The Decision
The dreaded decision can be sweet relief to some or an absolute emotional crush on others. After deciding to divorce, reconciliation is rare. Many times one or both parties will reach out to others, so affairs are commonplace at this stage. Both parties tend to feel victimized by the other, and before the legal process begins, anxiety over the future is common.
The Divorce
Once the divorce process begins, physical separation follows. Emotional separation is exacerbated via emotional flare-ups, and friends and family, unfortunately, feel pressured to choose sides. Once children are informed, they might feel guilty or responsible, and blame, guilt, panic, and fear are frequent burdens.
Acceptance
During the acceptance phase, many people will regain a sense of power. If plans for the future are not plagued with fear, a sense of optimism could begin to take form. In terms of formal counseling or meditation, the acceptance stage is an ideal moment to explore this. Both parties’ moods can be elevated as a result, and this could be very beneficial over the long term, especially if children are involved.
New Beginning
The stage that everyone anticipates … the new beginning. This occurs once the legal process is complete and can extend for up to two to three years post-divorce. In the best of cases, both parties have moved on from anger and blame to forgiveness with new roles and expectations for both. On average, it can take four to eight years for someone to recover from a divorce.
Concerning children, it is vital parents understand the emotions they will likely feel upon knowing their parents will be separating.
Denial
Denial is most frequent with children under the age of eight. They will tend to invent stories or create fantasies in an attempt to reconcile with the pain they are suffering. Denial does not last long, but it is a painful state for not only the child but those adults who are closest to him or her.
Abandonment
When parents fight and separate, children naturally worry. The most common fear is the same could happen to them – that they, too are “divorceable.” This leads to feelings of abandonment which can worsen if parents communicate negative comments about each other.
Anger
The most common reaction to a divorce is anger. This will surface either after the abandonment stage or in parallel. Anger is not typically confined to the home and will more than likely spill out to the classroom and peer group. School personnel must be aware of the situation.
Depression
Depressive states can occur either before or after anger states. Eating disturbances, lethargy, social withdrawal, psychological detachments, and acting out are the most common behaviors. Physical injury is common among adolescents.
Preoccupation
Preoccupation with reconciliation, in particular is normal. From what may sound counterintuitive, the more parents fight as separate entities, the more children long for reconciliation. This is related to a child’s memories of when things were not so chaotic despite knowing that the fighting would likely continue as a united family.
Categories
Abuse
Custody
Divorce
Domestic Violance
Family Law
Orders Of Protection
