Divorced/Separated Parenting Time - The Age Group Matters
Predictability for children is important. It is a critical component of the stability they naturally seek. When a family separates, stability can enter a state of disarray. How long it remains depends on the parents. One of the areas parents can ameliorate in the short term is predictability in terms of individual parenting time.
In Arizona, the courts prefer that parents agree on parenting time. Cordial agreements between parents are more likely to last as opposed to court-imposed mandates. Before creating and agreeing on a plan, however, there are some important items to consider:
- The age of the child;
- Maturity level;
- Personality;
- The level/strength of attachment to each parent;
- Special needs (child, parent(s);
- Distance between the parents’ respective homes;
- Childcare arrangements;
- Transportation;
- Cultural and religious practices, etc.
Getting (or getting close) to appropriately addressing each of these items is critical. What follows are some general tips depending on the cohort age of the child when the separation occurs.
Birth to Two Years
As to be expected, birth to two years of age is a critical time. Babies are learning to trust and love those around them and become quickly attached to caregivers. Parents in general, have different ways of parenting. Each one must be aware of the other’s style so as to adjust to the child’s changes and emotional reactions.
Babies have strong emotional memories, so conflict (arguing, etc.) can be triggering. By two years of age, babies will begin to test the parental limits. The “terrible twos” is no cliché! Moving between homes may be difficult, so a variety of plans can be employed. For example, three periods of three to five hours spaced throughout each week or two periods of four to six hours. If parents have been caring for the child equally and live close enough, spacing out overnights is recommended.
Two to Three Years
From two to three, children are beginning to develop independent skills. Yet, they are still quite young and will tend to cling to their preferred caregiver. This age group is prone to voicing “NO” to things that frustrate or annoy them, as well as seemingly simple requests. Lastly, it is very common for a two to three-year-old to express fear of the unknown and be much more reticent to take part in unfamiliar activities.
Regularly scheduled routines are ideal for this cohort. Moving between parents’ homes will be challenging, but just because the child expresses negative feelings towards these movements does not mean that one parent is preferred over another. Rather, it’s tension surrounding instability.
There are a host of plans to choose from with this cohort. One tip is vacationing should not be overly extravagant. It is best to mimic something familiar and refrain from “impressing” the child. In terms of the parenting plan, try not to separate the child from a parent for more than three days.
Three to Five Years
While two to three-year-olds deal with separation anxiety, it is even more pronounced with three to five-year-olds. Concepts like monsters under the bed are real and scary, and when moving from home to home, tantrums are highly likely.
With this cohort, arguments between parents can exacerbate the child’s feelings towards one or both parents. Parents should avoid using the child as a “messenger,” which is common as some five-year-olds can communicate quite well. Children will feel more secure taking stuffed animals, family photos, or similar objects from home to home. At five, children begin to feel connected to holidays (birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc), and spending equal time with each parent is something they greatly value.
A plan that seems to work well with this cohort (assuming equal parenting time) is splitting weeks (and weekends). The plan provides a full 7 days in one home and then 7 in another. Four to five-year-olds adapt well to this plan.
Six to Nine Years
The “terrible twos” can indeed be terrible, but there is nothing worse than a child worrying if a parent does not love them. This, unfortunately, is a common feeling between six and nine with separated parents. Children will frequently miss the parent that is not physically present and either feel their absence is due to lack of love or, even worse, that they will never see said parent again.
Another common behavior in this cohort is attempting to reconcile their parents’ relationship. This can be very annoying for the parents but also troublesome for the child. He or she might feel responsible, to some extent, for the breakup and take on the role of trying to repair the relationship.
For three-to-five-year-olds, spending more time in one home instead of two to three days is recommended. Vacations can be extended and do not necessarily have to mimic home life. Parents should map out a clear plan on how to spend holidays and birthdays and ensure the child understands the rationale.
Ten to Twelve Years
Ten to twelve is an interesting age. Up to this point, children typically exhibit clingy behavior. Here is where that abates somewhat, with many ten to twelve-year-olds seeking to branch out and be with their friends or social circle. At the same time, it is not uncommon for a ten to twelve-year-old to lash out, blaming one of the parents for the divorce or being embarrassed about the situation. Concurrently, this behavior leads to one parent being favored over the other.
This is a cohort that should be asked who they want to live with and how frequently. Not consulting them could lead to passive-aggressive behavior that is not enjoyable for anyone. As children transition to junior high, parents must consider extracurricular and after-school/weekend programming. This is an area that is often overlooked and can negatively affect the child’s relationship with his or her parents.
In terms of a living plan, this age group enjoys their own space. An even split between parents should be for complete weeks or even 10 days depending on the child.
Thirteen to Eighteen Years
The teenage years can be easy for some and a real grind for others. Teenagers will continue to separate from their parents and feel like young adults, but at the same time, seek out attention (some good and some bad). Pressure from school can affect relationships, and moody or irritable expressions are commonplace. Teenagers lack the skills to express complicated feelings, so one parent may bear the brunt of their anger.
In terms of parenting time, allow teenagers flexibility. A teen may prefer one parent for a time and then move back to preferring the other. Providing an environment that can adjust to their needs is a smart step, as is providing sufficient space for them to explore their own interests.
Late teens, especially, will likely seek more time away from the house. At this stage, a job might be in play or a relationship. This can make firm parenting plans challenging. Again, flexibility is the best step to take.
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